And then it was over. My little west end adventure that is.
When I left fair Port Láirge to go to drama school in the England nearly 5 years ago, I went with the sole purpose of doing a show in the West End. That was my dream, that was what I saw as the pinnacle of what I could achieve and I would never know if I could achieve it if I didn't try. And try I did. Three and a half years of trying. And when I got that phone call on that icy December morning in Birmingham, the phone call saying they'd offered me a part in a brand new West End play called Calico......well there it was. The thing I'd left home for sitting there ready to begin on the 20th of February. My West End debut. Deadly boy. At the time i thought - here we go now, nice little contract for a three month run in the West End. Three months? Yeah right! This script is a sure fire hit! We'll be extending before you know it and then maybe we'll transfer to Ireland..yes the Gate maybe and after that who knows? How Bad!
How wrong.
Six weeks all told. Two weeks previews and 4 weeks playing and we were brown bread. Gone the way of all flesh. Closed. The signs were up on the Marquee outside the theatre and the two week notice had hit the noticeboard. A gentle quiet had descended on the dressing rooms in the Duke of Yorks theatre as certain unemployment loomed for some (well for me at least) and that was it. My first west end show....my first west end flop. Well its good for a few stories isn't it? And so I would like to report that the good ship Calico quietly sailed into the sunset on Saturday the 3rd of April 2004......well I would like to........but that, of course would be way too normal and, as seems to be the way, normality is not a familiar bedfellow of mine at the moment.
It was my great honour that weekend, to play host to two very fine gentlemen from the land of the Déise; the funky fish himself Mr. Fintan Kavanagh (now known as "Sir" when he's at work) and the curliest man in Ireland, Mr. Rob O'Connor. They were over for a weekend of craic, booze and messing and somewhere in between all that they were coming to see the final performance of Calico. Final shows are weird. Its always a mix of emotions and its especially weird when the show is closing early. I spent 8 months doing Pirates of Penzance a couple of years ago and let me tell you by the end I was extremely ready to stop. The term 'AHHRR' had nearly entered my normal vocabulary. Not so with Calico though. There was still a lot more to go with that show, a lot more to be discovered and so there was a bit of a cloud hanging over the last day. Made worse of course by seeing two huge removal lorries parked outside the theatre when I turned up to do the matinee. Poised like fecking vultures they were the last nail in the coffin. Jesus. Fintan and Rob had gone to see the matinee of 'Stones in his Pockets' (great show, which itself is closing in about 3 weeks...but its been running 4 years so they can hardly complain now can they) so they were having a fine time. But the matinee went well, a nice crowd.It is tradition on the last Saturday matinee of a show to play some kind of practical joke onstage, and I'm a demon for them (on the last matinee of Midsummer Night's dream I wore a different dress for the end.........urm...well that's a tale for another day) but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything on Calico. Dunno why. Just didn't seem right. We ran a sweepstakes on the Grand National so that was a bit of craic trying to time the show so that the interval happened at the right moment so we could watch it. Didn't work though. Ha. I didn't win either. the five horses I drew were so shite they were probably on their way to the glue factory before the race started. A little hitch towards the end of the show where one of the moving platforms on the show had broken down. No big deal that'd happened a few times during the past few weeks. It'll be grand by the evening show. And all the way through the show I was thinking; God just one more time to do this and that's it. One last fling.
Nope.
I arrived back from my break between shows to find one of the cast at the stage door on the phone. He looks at me with a hang dog expression and shakes his head. Poor guy. Sad that its the last show. I know how ya feel buddy. I go into the theatre to find lots of people on their phones with hang dog expressions and shaking their heads. Ok. This seems to be the a serious outpouring of grief. And then the company manager comes over to me and tells me the show is cancelled.
Yeah right Babe, the time for practical jokes was the matinee.
'I'm serious Jamie'
'Are you serious?!!??!'
Is there an echo?
No, just the sound of sheer and utter disbelief. Aw crap. After all that, all the bad luck the show had this final twist of fate was surely the cruelest. The moving platform couldn't be fixed and it was deemed a safety risk to go on without it working. Nuts. Normally I'd be delighted with a night off but not tonight. not the last night. Jesus. But hey. What can you do? 10 bottles of champagne were brought forth from the fridge to ease the blow. Grand. I'll be in the pub a bit earlier too. How bad. And we're off to a big party at Keith Dunphy's gaff later on............Hang on..........'We'?
AW FUCK! ROB AND FINTAN!
Crap! they had come all the way over from Ireland to see the show and now it's not happening. aaaaaaaaagh. Typical bloody luck. I phoned them with the bad news. They were having a nice Thai meal but it was my duty to ruin it on them. They were surprisingly calm, I on the other hand wasn't. But all was not lost, the next theatre up the road was showing the Samuel Beckett laugh fest Engame starring Lee Evans and my old buddy (yeah right) Sir Michael Gambon and they had the same producer as us. Grand, free tickets so. I sorted out the boys so that was fine, now their was some serious sorrows to be drowned. In the dressing rooms the mood had turned slightly surreal, everyone still slightly in shock. I went into one of the bigger rooms to find none other than Matthew Kelly sitting there.
Tonight Matthew I am NOT going to be Giorgio Joyce.
Of course I didn't say that. I've more sense than to spout a catchphrase at a guy who's probably had it said to him every day of his life. A nice guy though. He and his friend were both to see the show that night but now were at a loss. I told them the heart wrenching tale of my two countrymen and so they too got free tickets to Endgame. This led to a titanic meeting. Rob and Fintan had taken their seats when lo and behold doesn't Matthew Kelly sit beside them. They were obviously excited. And then he turns to them and comments that they must be the two lads from Ireland. Obviously beside himself with delight that his reputation had preceded him, Fintan decided to utter the immortal line;
'Tonight Matthew I'm going to be Fintan'
Cue forced smile from the entertainment giant.
'Well I've never heard that before'
Rob, thankfully had far more cop, but it was too late. Gone was Fintan's hope of appearing on Stars in Their Eyes as Richie Kavanagh. Níl áon focal eile! He'll get over it though. Eventually.
And so as the boys were sitting their being baffled by Beckett I was drinking goodbye to Calico. What a way to finish. No last great hurrah. No blinding last show where people would say; why the hell is it closing? Get them a new theatre for god's sake! Nope. But all was not lost, for as one by one the members of the Calico company broke away and said their goodbyes what kept me going was that the Dunph was having a huge bash in North of the London. Now thats where you forget your troubles. And we certainly did. A bottle of Vodka, loads of cans, some whiskey and a live jazz band in a bedroom later.... everything was ok. Until 7.30 that morning. Me and the two boys had gotten on the tube to go home and had fallen asleep. I woke up with a start at euston station and as a reflex action just jumped off the train. The doors shut behind me and I came to my senses just in time to see the train head off into the tunnel with the two boys still fast asleep. Oh shit. I did the only thing i could do. I went home. There was no way to reach them as mobiles don't work on the tube and there was no point in trying to find them in the vast maze that is the london underground. They found their way back tho many adventures had taken place seemingly. I did not ask what. The following day was a quiet one of recovery and curry (Fintan we now realise is more of a balti man than a korma or tikka man).
And it hit me. I'm out of work. For the first time in the best part of a year and a half. Nuts.
But then I remembered........ I'm going back to the land of the Déise on that Thursday.
Sure every cloud has a silver lining.
