6. YOUR ONLY AS YOUNG AS THE PLAYING AGE YOU FEEL

One of the most important things you have as an actor (of course apart from the basic ability to act) is your playing age. Now playing age may not in any way represent how old you are but rather how old you can look. Example; I have an actress friend who is all of 23. Now she looks no more twenty three than I look 50, in other words she looks, or at least can look. a lot younger. Indeed in the production on which we met she played a 14 year old. mmmm nice. (oops here's the police). Ok enough of that you get my drift. The old adage is you never tell someone your age only your playing age.

While on my way to an audition the other day (for a crappy little play that was doing a short tour, wasn't right for the part and pretty much said that in the audition. So it came as no surprise when the director rang my agent to say the same thing. She liked me though so that's cool by me) the phone went. Ah the agent! With some wonderful offer of a regular slot on ITV's The Bill mayhap?

'You have a commercial casting tomorrow.'

Ah. Right. Commercial castings are awful things and they are something actors should never be made do. Of course we do them and freely of our own will because the rewards are so great. One good commercial and you've got a deposit on a flat. One REALLY good commercial and you've got the flat! They can be huge money earners, so that's not the problem with them. No, its what you have to do at the audition is the problem. Next time you watch a shite ad on the telly have a guess at what that poor fecker on your screen making a tit of himself might have had to do for the audition. Chances are you'll probably guess right. Up to that point I had only ever had two commercial castings in my career, one had me jumping around the room in my boxers pretending to be a cool wolfboy, the other had me doing improvised human beatbox with a guy utterly devoid of any form of rhythm (He couldn't even spell it boy). I've heard far worse stories than that let me tell you. But I'm no prude and certainly a huge prostitute so I have no problem with going to a commercial casting tomorrow.

'You have to look 23'

Riiiight. Ok, that's not too bad, I'm 27 but just played 23 in the last play I did. I can pass for a mature 23 maybe.

'No they want young looking people aged between 18 and 23 only. No one older. So I lied and told them you were 23.'

You see my agent does things like that. Lands me in the shite. Now she's the best in the world and a super agent, I wouldn't have enjoyed the small bit of success i've been having only for she had faith in me when I first moved to London because I had none in myself, but sometimes she does mad things. And this is one of those times. I am totally wrong for this. I look too old to look that young. Seriously.

'Dress young and they'll never know'

Me arse! But sure feck it i'll go in anyway, you never know and this'll be me first commercial casting in nearly 3 years so it'll be good practice. As long as I don't get thrown out of there for being a fraud. Which is very possible. So 11 in the morning I'm looking all hip and young and I enter the lobby of some casting studio off Oxford Street to be confronted by my rivals for this ad. And they're all kids. They look like they don't know how to shave yet! Jesus! I feel like walking out there and then but I'm here now, keep going. They hand me the casting form I have to fill out, giving all your details height, age (hmmm) etc and they take a polaroid. Standard practice. The Casting director walks in and has a look at us all, I could swear she's looking at me suspiciously. She asks us our ages. Loads of 21's a few 19's one 22, oh yeah and me? Why 23 of course. Christ I just won an Oscar(TM) for that whopper! She's still looking at me suspiciously. To avert her gaze I look down at my completed casting form to check it, only to realise that I haven't put down 23 as my age but.......28!!!!! Aw for god's sake! What's that all about! I've lied about me age alright but I haven't made meself younger, I've made meself older! What a pleb. So I write in a 3 over the 8 and now everything looks well dodgy. This cannot get worse. I'm seriously considering walking out of the room when they call my name. Right so.

Nothing too bad for this casting thank god. I just have to flirt with the camera pretending she's a gorgeous barmaid. Cool. Done that before, no hassle. Then I have to act as if she's maliciously squeezing my balls and I'm in terrible pain. Have to act for that one as I have no personal experience to draw upon (thank god). Now you may ask what this has to do with a Czech juice drink, which is what this ad is for. Don't worry so will the viewers in prague I'm sure. The director asks me to do a couple of things differently. He's happy and that's it. I made it through without being found out! Grand so.

Two hours later I get a phone call from my agent to say I'm pencilled in for the ad. What? When your pencilled in for something it means that its down to the last three or four people and you aren't to accept any other offers without ringing them first. The last four. Mental!

I still didn't get it though.

But at least they thought I looked a young 23.

How bad.

I wonder if that'll work with girls?