7. ONE MUSICAL TO RULE THEM ALL

They'll make a musical out of anything....and I mean anything. Think of any subject or story and they will make a musical about it. I mean who in they're right mind would turn a sprawling novel about the french revolution into a musical and expect it to be a hit? The last few days of the life of Jesus Christ? Anyone? Anyone? There's musicals about presidential assassins, Saint Bernadette, Carrie (the Stephen King novel), Rod Stewart (God help us all), Superman (I kid you not), football, Prisoner Cell Block H, Cats.......listen I could go on and on and on, just believe me they will make a musical out of anything (I should know. I was in a musical about the holocaust. That was fun. A few boys in Dublin nicknamed it 'Schindler's List on Ice'). So it should come as no surprise that there are plans to stage a musical version of THE LORD OF THE RINGS!

BUT WHY??!!!?? I hear you cry.

I DON'T KNOW! PROBABLY TO MAKE MONEY.......I cry back.

The rumour of a musical of Lord of the Rings has been kicking about for a couple of years now, pretty much since the first film came out and was such a success. I never thought it would happen mind you. They say a lot of things in the board rooms of the Wonderful West End and a lot of it never sees daylight, so Lord of the Rings the musical must be a pipe dream. How the hell are they going to condense what is one of the most epic stories in all literature into a three hour musical......and not make it shite? Nah. never happen methinks. Methinks wrong as it turns out. And how do I know i'm wrong.

I had an audition for it.

And herein begins my quest.

The call came from my agent as it always does at the most inopportune time. In this case I was in London's Forbidden Planet reading some comics. This shop is great, you can just go in and have an auld read of anything you want and no one says nothing. Brilliant. That also means that it can be like a library at times and when a phone goes off you inevitably have some nerd pop his head up from behind a copy of the latest Spectacular Spider-Man and gives you a withering glance. His spider sense going off obviously. But I digress. I leave the shop to talk shop with the agent;

'You have a meeting tomorrow with a casting director. Its about Lord of the Rings the musical. They're doing a workshop in a couple of weeks time.'

Workshops are pretty common things for new musicals, a way to test out the material before launching into a full production. Grand. My mind goes back to the Spectacular Nerd-Man and how he'd give his entire collection of Punisher War Zone to have a meeting for Lord of the Rings the musical. Tough titty. 11.00 the next morning I'm sitting in the offices of the Almeida Theatre waiting to meet the casting director. I'm cool as a cucumber 'cos I know I won't get this workshop. I never get auditions for these big musicals like Les Mis or Miss Saigon (not that I care anymore) so I can't see myself doing this one. No, the real reason I'm there, I tell myself is to have a nice auld meeting with this chick as she also casts the Almeida Theatre, one of London's most well regarded theatres. I mean its not even an audition is it? Well within ten minutes it is. It turns out the casting director in question was at my table at the Ian Charleson awards and is very impressed by my CV and she wants me to audition for the director Matthew Warchus (One of England's top directors) and also to read for Gollum. Fine so. Jesus I wish all meetings went that well. And Gollum too. How bad.

Fast forward to 10.50am Thursday morning. I've just spent the past couple of days checking out the books but not watching the films. This morning Matthew I will NOT be Andy Serkis doing Gollum but Jamie Beamish doing Gollum. That'll impress them, my own take on it. Yeah right. But something very strange happens just before I go in to read. The casting director comes out and enquires do I have anything to do during the day, to which I reply no. Which is true because I've recently been living the lazy life of the unemployed.

'Would you mind sticking around for the day and reading with people for us?'

Ah. That's a tricky one. While it would be good fun to be part of a day of auditions (not to mention educational), I will at some point have to read opposite an actor who is going for the same part I am. Now that's hard. You don't normally get to see your competition. Ignorance can be bliss. So I'm not so sure.

'We would pay you of course.'

I'm your man!

So in I go for my audition. It goes fine. The director, however, is giving away nothing whatsoever so I haven't a clue if he likes me or not. Ah well. But the thing is of course I now have to see every other persons audition. This is a very strange situation. But its some craic at the same time. I mean I'm reading all these lines from Lord of the Rings. In the course of the day I play all the hobbits, Gollum and Aragorn. I'm also hopefully impressing the director with my versatility and he'll be more inclined to give me the part. But then my hopes are dashed. I read opposite a guy who's going for Gollum...and he's terrific. Now that was hard. Reading the lines opposite him as I felt any hope of me getting it slip away. Had to be professional mind, couldn't try and mess his audition up in any way. But there it was. He was good though, I mean I would have given it to him hands down. He was very like the film and they seemed to like that. Silly me trying to be an individual. The rest of the day is handy after that. I know I'm not in with a shout so I can chill out a bit. We were auditioning in a place where there was a number of auditions going on and at one stage while I was in the waiting room a lady came over to me.

'Are you auditioning for me?' She asks nicely.

'No. But I will if you want.' I reply cheekily.

'Hmm. Hang on there a minute.' Whereupon she goes into a room brings out a director who looks me up and down, nods his head and goes back into the room.

'Fancy auditioning for a commercial?'

Have no doubt. So just by sitting there I get myself a commercial casting for some new board game. Comedy! Well something good might still come out of the day seeing as Lord of the Rings has gone west on me. The day ends and they thank me very much for doing it and I thank them for the hard cash and all is cool. But what a deadly day even if I didn't get the part. Hopefully it might lead on to something else with this director, he does loads so you never know.

My phone goes at 10.30 the following morning. Tis the agent.

'You didn't get Gollum.'

Well I could have told you that yesterday. Ah well not to worry.

'But they've given you Legolas instead.'

Oh.

Wasn't that the part Orlando Bloom played in the film?

Ha ha. What sweet irony.