8. IT NEVER RAINS.......

But it feckin' pours!

Its an old old saying but very very true. And it always happens to me let me tell you. I go through periods waiting for an acting job and 5 come along at the same time. Well, not always 5. Alright, I've never been offered 5 jobs at the same time but you get the motion picture I'm trying to paint here.

Example. I spent a year out of work when i first left drama school in 2000 and what a horrible year it was. No one would employ me and I was barely getting any auditions. I was literally sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. I finally got a Job tho. An 8 month tour of Gilbert & Sullivan's swashbuckling operetta Pirates of Penzance with Su Pollard of Hi De Hi infamy! Grand. I was very hungry to work and I felt like I had hit the big time. Then, while I was on tour, I get offered a small part in a new movie. Jesus! I couldn't get a job to save me life and now I had two. But of course they're clashing. And the producers of Pirates wouldn't let me out of my contract for the weeks filming I've been offered and not only that but I was told I would be sacked and sued for breach of contract if they found me to be sick on the dates I requested. Sued on me first job. Well I'd never have worked again but it would make a deadly story down the pub. Nah. So I have to grit my teeth and do my little dance up the back of the chorus in Milton Keynes. Oh the glamour. Ah well. You sign the contract you sign your life away. End of example.

More recent example.

Well I'm like a pig in shit after getting the offer for the Lord of the Rings workshop. Its only 2 weeks but its work goddamnit and cool work at that. It also comes just 5 weeks after Calico finished so that's pretty cool as I haven't had time for the old doubts of ever working again to creep in. A few days before I start though i have a meeting at the BBC with a casting director with the possibility of doing a couple of lines on the courtroom drama 'Judge John Deed'. Never seen it meself to be honest. So up I waltz to BBC Television Centre in the West of the London and tell a nice girl at reception that I'm an actor who's come for a meeting dontchaknow and would she be ever so nice and tell them that I'm here, ready and waiting. I'm still standing there, ready and waiting, 10 minutes later as she rings to see if anyone knows anything about a Jamie Beamish. What do they mean? Don't they know who I am. Bloody right they don't! So I call my agent to find out the casting directors name and once I give that to the girl she proceeds to inform me that I'm in the completely wrong building and that castings take place across the road, where they always take place. Ah. Now I feel like a bit of a pleb. Award nomination or not this is still my first meeting at the BBC, so I really don't have a clue no matter how much I pretend to. Across the road the lady I meet is extremely nice and after a little chat she gives me a page of script and Films me reading the part of the Journalist. Its two lines and that's it. She apologises for it being so little. I tell her not to worry, in the four years I've been an actor I've done no telly so anything would do me grand. I must remember not to sound so desperate in future. She says it should work out fine and indeed it does. The agent rings the following day saying they've offered me the crucial part of the Journalist and I'll be needed for 3 days filming the day after i finish Lord of the Rings. Nice one! Not only have I just gotten my first telly job but it comes straight after another job. How bad. Me mother will be delighted. Its not The Bill but its something.

But.

Ah but there's always a but with me isn't there. But the read through for it is right in the middle of the Lord of the Rings workshop so I can't make it. Aw c'mon they're not going to replace me just because I can't turn up to read two lines. Are they? I don't know, its my first telly. It takes 3 days for them to come back to my agent to say its ok, I don't have to be there. Whew. Grand, sorted so.

But.

Aw jesus not another but? Oh yes, for nothing is ever easy when it comes to my frigging career.

The first few days of the Lord of the Rings workshop go very well. There's only 10 actors doing it and some of them are pretty shit - hot famous-in-London-theatre types so I'm well chuffed to even be there. I would go into it more about the show but alas I cannot. Why, I hear you cry? Well on the first day before we even sat down we were made sign a contract saying we would keep all details of the workshop and the music and script private and confidential. A bit like a gagging order I suppose. I'm not really sure what would actually happen to me if I did say anything. Maybe I'd have to give up my first born child or something? Who knows, all I do know is that if I told you I'd probably have to kill you. They take things seriously in the wonderful world of showbiz!

(Speaking of secrecy I found out recently that the film I mentioned that the Hubbards were casting, Tiny dancer, is not called that at all. Its a made up name being used because the film its hiding is super top secret. I found out its real name the other day. Its King Kong. The remake that Peter Jackson is directing. Now I'm like a dog I wasn't seen for it! But I digress....grrrr)

On the 3rd day of the workshop the producer comes in to have a chat with everyone individually. It turns out one of the actors is unavailable to do the final audio recording of the workshop on the last day, so would everyone be available to do the recording the day after? And of course everyone is, everyone...but...me. Aw no, hang on now. Are ye telling me I have to give up my first telly job because some other actor's agent cocked up their dates? If he can't do the recording then tough! Replace him! I mean who does he think he is? Well he happens to be one of London's top stage actors, with two Olivier awards under his belt and is playing the somewhat important part of Gandalf. So the real question is who am I? And the answer is very replaceable. I'm told that if i can't make the recording then i will have to be replaced, although they would very much like me to stay. So much so that the producers are willing to compensate the money I will lose from turning down the BBC job. Now that is indeed very very generous. But its not the point. This is my first telly, and although it may be only 2 lines its a start and we all need that. Once you start having telly credits on your cv then people will start seeing you for more and the ball gets rolling. Also this is a job I've already agreed to do so I stand to lose a lot of face at the BBC for messing them about. So there was the decision, and I had to make it.

Of course I chose lord of the Rings.

I mean wouldn't you? The chance to work on a huge big budget stage adaption of one of the greatest literary adventures of all time with one of the top young directors in the country or 2 lines on a drama series with Bodie out of the professionals. Answers to my email address. So I put the whole BBC thing to the back of my mind and got on with the job at hand. We had a quest to fulfill after all.

But.

Yes another one. A good one though. The agent rang the day after I made my decision to say that the producer of Lord of the Rings had rung the BBC to explain what had happened. This is good as it shifts the blame from me and the BBC wont think I'm arseing them about.

"The BBC were happy with this explanation."

Good.

"So much so that they have released you from the filming on the Monday and you will start on Tuesday instead!"

I'm sorry, come again. You mean the producer actually sorted everything out and I still have the other job? While this is not unheard of it is in my career. I think back to the trouble me getting that film during Pirates caused and how nasty the producer was there. It warms my heart to see someone actually appreciating an actor enough to go to a bit of trouble to help him out. So the moral of this story is that not all producers are shitheads. Just some. So two buses came at the same time and miraculously I was able to hop on both. The only downer is that I can't say anything about Lord of the Rings. But that said, it was me who signed the contract and enough people (girls) have told me that I'm a completely different person when I'm drunk, and seeing as that person never signed any contract I can be paid in beer for information. Sweet.

So there it was, you really never know what's around the corner in this Job. After the disappointment of Calico closing I (After a bit of drama) had 2 nice little jobs........Well...... 3 actually. I've just accepted the offer from the Open Air Theatre. I start rehearsing for Toad in Wind in the Willows from the 5th of July. Its going to be a very green and interesting summer.

But 2 lines on a telly program.

Me Mammy's over the moon.