It was two weeks into rehearsals for Wind in the Willows and I was getting 'The Jitter'.
Quoth Oxford's English;
jit·ter (jtr)
intr.v. jit·tered, jit·ter·ing, jit·ters
1. To be nervous or uneasy; fidget.
2. To make small quick jumpy movements
Or in my case;
de jit·ter (d) (jtr)
intr.v. de jit·ters, eg "I've got the Jitter boy"
1. To be nervous or uneasy or anxious about the outcome of a hurling match in which Waterford is participating.
2. To be nervous or uneasy or anxious about whether you'll have another job to go on to after your current contract finishes.
I had a severe case of the number 2's. Now normally this wouldn't come so early on in a job but it had hit me square in the face that Willows was only a 7 week contract and with 5 weeks to go I had no job to go to and no auditions in sight. Ah no! The awful shadow of not having anything to go on to was looming over me and quickly getting bigger and bigger. This wasn't like after Calico, where i could afford to sit on me arse and just wait for an acting job to come along. It's because I did that after Calico that I spent all me savings and now Willows was really just paying off debts and leaving me survive. Hi ho the glamorous life then. As well as that my voice was a constant worry and kept giving up on me in rehearsals. I had visions of being given my P45 from the job if things didn't get better. I was sure that my vocal problems were just because we kept doing scenes and songs over and over again in rehearsals and once we got up and running and just had one show a day it would all be fine. It was still a worry though. So was my lack of auditions. You do the math.
Lack of auditions = Lack of new acting job to go onto when current contract finishes
Lack of new acting job to go onto = Having to get a NORMAL JOB!!!!!!!
Spoken with hatred disgust and fear throughout the profession the words 'normal job' make my stomach churn. 'How dare you' I hear you cry 'How dare you think that you poncey actors are somehow above normal jobs!' I hear you accuse. Well let me explain to clear my name. When an actor says he has to get a 'normal job' he doesn't mean just any normal job. He means he has to get the singularly worst, most boring most sole-destroyingly crap job you can possibly think of. I feel an example coming on. The summer of 2002 wasn't a great one for me so I got a job selling Audio Guides at The London Eye. Now picture me in a bright orange jacket, a cap and a very insincere smile on my face as I traipse up and down a queue of hundreds of tourists, all of whom think I look like a prick, trying to sell these bloody audio guides which no one had any interest in buying. They were right. I did look like a prick. And people acted like pricks to me and I would see people I knew there and they felt sorry for me because I looked like (and was being treated like) a prick for 6 fecking pound an hour which was paid monthly!!!! Aaaaaagh! Worst. Job. Ever! But why do it? Because it was one of the few places that would employ actors and was cool about people taking time off for auditions. You see actors need jobs which are flexible around their acting career and only the worst jobs are like that. Believe me. When you get someone cold-calling you asking you whether you want to subscribe to a great new magazine, chances are its an out of work actor doing his 'normal' job. That fella who stands on the street trying to get you to stop and have a chat about giving money to a charity? He's been to RADA. What's the most common question asked of a drama school graduate? 'Can I have fries with that, please?'......actually that's not quite accurate......the 'please' would be wishful thinking. The last time i had to get a 'normal job' was for 3 weeks in February 2003. So you see why i had The Jitter. I'd been spoiled up to this point to be honest. 90% of actors are out of work at any one time so obviously a lot of actors have to put up with 'normal jobs' so who the hell am I to be whining? Talk about being ungrateful. One of the guys in Willows, a terrific actor called Simon McCoy who was playing Ratty, hadn't worked in two years up to that point and didn't even have an agent. What right had I to be complaining that i had no aud........but wait! What's that buzz in me back pocket? Please god let it be! It is! And thus my agent spoke the golden words;
'You have an audition for a new version of 'The Country Wife' for Watford Palace Theatre on Friday next. I've had them put you on at 10 am so you can make rehearsals.'
Result! Now the Jitter is dying down a bit. I have an audition. On the ball! Of course this is cause to celebrate. And celebrate I did. Remember what I said before about it being a sober summer. Me Bollox boy! Earlier that evening I met up with the cast of Calico for a little reunion and had a nice civilised drink with them until the ladies of the company left and I got shitfaced with the remaining lads. Sweet action! When enough was enough for all others I was still bullin' for more and so off I trotted into the centre of The London only to fall into that most (un)classy of venues; Break for the Border. This is a dodgy club underneath the London Palladium off of Oxford Street and on a Wednesday night its cheap beer and free in if you're in a show in London. Which I am Mr. Bouncer, thank you very much! Loadsa cheap booze later and I'm well out of me box on the night bus home and miraculously I don't fall asleep. One dirty chip in pitta later and I'm a happy bunny tucked up in me bed. The following morning I'm paying for it big time as I fall into rehearsals, still a bit drunk to be honest, for a fecking fight call of all things. We choreograph the big fight at the end of the play and its the single most painful few hours of rehearsals I've ever had. I mean who in they're right mind would hand me a sword in the first place much less after a serious feed of beer and 4 hours sleep. It was even more obvious from this little incident that it would be impossible to do the show with any sort of hangover. SO COP THE FUCK ON JAMIE! I was definitely not going to go on a session the night before me audition anyway. Oh I'm sorry did I say audition? I meant audition's'. You see on the (far more sober) following day the phone goes. Hark, 'tis the agent;
'You have another audition.'
Another audition? oh happy day.
'This one is for a new production of the play 'Beckett' in the West End starring Dougray Scott. The casting director didn't want to see you but when I said you were in Calico she changed her mind immediately, she said she saw it and really liked you in it'
Very nice! Another season in the West End would be lovely thank you very much and with the baddie out of Mission Impossible 2 to boot! How bad! So when is it fair agent of mine?
'Its on the same day as your 'Country Wife' audition but I've got it for around lunchtime so you won't miss rehearsals.'
I pay that lady with good reason! Woohoo! Two auditions on the one day! I can't remember the last time that happened. I'm slowly but surely waving goodbye to the Jitter methinks. Hang on though about half an hour later there's a buzz in me pocket dear Liza. What, the agent once more?
'You have another audition, this one's for a production of Stephen Sondheim's 'Putting it Together' at Harrogate.'
Sweet! Not as flashy as a West End gig but who can turn their nose up at Sondheim? This is the business! One minute I have no auditions, the next i have three. The Jitter's getting its P45. And when does this fabulous Third audition occur?
'You're not going to believe this but it's on the same day as your other two auditions.'
I don't believe it!
'I've got them to put you on at the end of the day, so you wont miss rehearsals.'
At this stage I'm in too much shock to be listening. Three auditions in one day. Now that has never happened me before. Ever. So after a serious case of the Jitter I had got my wish. In spades boy! Jesus! I went to the director and explained my situation and in fairness she was extremely accommodating, especially seeing as it was the week before we opened. Directors can be funny about releasing actors from rehearsals for auditions but this lovely lady was well cool. Grand sorted so. Goodbye Jitter? Well no not really. I had auditions but that didn't mean I had the jobs. Not by a long shot. So there was still a possibility that I would have to get a crappy 'normal job'. But in the middle of all this a memory came to me. A distant drunken memory of a conversation with the braveheart of Irish theatre, Ben Hennessy, one night in the Munster on my last jaunt to the land of the Déise. In the memory I see him telling me that Red Kettle Theatre Co. are planning to stage 'The Lord of the Flies' in the Autumn. Then I see myself asking him if he fancied me doing some music for it. Then I hear the word 'Yes'! A quick phone call later and its sorted! I'm writing the music for 'The Lord of the Flies' which I can start any time once I finish Willows. Legendary! That was it so, the Jitter was gone. Not a sign of needing to get a 'normal job'. I was sorted with a grand aul music gig which would get me through until I got another acting job. Which couldn't be too far off sure.
Sure didn't I have three auditions coming up?
If only life was that simple.
