...and all around the London not an audition was to be found. Well that's not strictly true.
I had three.
I'm greedy boy. December is always a lethal month when it comes to auditions. Most things for the new year have been cast by the end of November and most of actordom is off doing panto. I learned this to great cost early on in me career. The November after I finished drama school I was offered a Christmas schools play with Red Kettle. I turned it down because 'I was worried that I would miss auditions in London'. My next audition after uttering those faithful words was on the 4th of march the following year! What a pleb! Dark days they were. Last year however I had that fateful audition for Calico on the 4th of December. Which goes to prove that there is an exception to every rule. I'm talking shite now so I'll just move on quietly.
The Jitter I had in York had come true and I had to get a Normal job (which ye all know the gory details of) and the prospect of a dull December was looking very real. I reckoned without the hard work of my agent. Going beyond the call of duty as always she had gotten me an audition for a touring production of Chekov's 'The Seagull'. Now did I want to tour again so soon after being away for ages? To play Konstantin in 'The Seagull' I'd tour to feckin Kilmacow! As the wise Withnail once said;
'Understudy Konstantin!? I'm not going to understudy Konstantin, why can't I play the part? This is ridiculous.........Bastard asked me to understudy Konstantin in The Seagull. I'm not going to understudy anyone, especially that little pimp.'
Well anyway its a top role that's widely respected and seemingly the company doing it are pretty good, so I head in to meet the casting director and the director. The casting lady has seen me in a few things and I've met her once before as well so that's cool. The director I don't know at all but I like him straight away when he says;
'You're name came up in conversation the other day. I was chatting to Liam Doona and he had very good things to say about you.'
Excellent! Liam Doona was the designer on Beauty Queen and was to be the designer on this too, nice coincidence. The audition is even nicer as we plow through a couple of scenes. They're using a different translation to the one I was looking at but that's not too much hassle and after a bit of a chat I hit the road well pleased with meself. I'm even more pleased with meself when the agent calls to say I have a recall. Hey hey! This could work out grand! I get a copy of the proper translation and I sit back and wait for the day to go back in. But I can't sit down for long. The familiar ringtone is heard;
'You have an audition for a workshop of a new Irish musical called 'Seagull's Dance''
Now that stops me in me tracks for a minute. You see back in 2003 I was offered a part in 'Seagull's Dance' when it was going to be on at the Helix theatre in Dublin. That production was subsequently cancelled. But here it is again and I have to audition for it? Well I had heard they got a new director so I suppose that's why I had to go in. The musical director for the Dublin production was to have been the maestro himself Mr. David Hayes so I pop off a little text to him. He replies saying he should be able to make this one work out, probably referring to what happened with the panto in Dublin. What happened with the panto in Dublin? I don't know either boy. Anyway it was good to have someone rooting for you on the production team. This audition could go well, but hold that thought because the phone tinkles again;
'You have audition for a new Irish musical called 'The Wiremen''
Oh? And when would that be pray tell?
'Its on the same day as the 'Seagull's Dance' audition.'
Now there's a coincidence! That's grand! And what's handy is that I have to sing 2 Irish songs for each of them and for 'The Wiremen' one of them has to be Danny Boy. Great! What's not handy is that I don't have any sheet music for the 1 and a half Irish songs I do know and I don't know the words to Danny Boy. To be honest I'm quite embarrassed to admit my lack of knowledge as regards to Irish songs. It should be in me blood and in me bones! But alas, not a hope. I could sing you the complete works of Stephen Sondheim but hardly a come-all-ye! Its a situation I mean to redress. Well I'll have to do that quick, the feckin auditions are three days away! So I make me way to the mecca of musical sheets; Chappells of Bond Street, and I spend the best part of an hour leafing through every Irish songbook there. And there's a lot of them let me tell ya! What I was looking for was a book that had all of the Irish songs that I kind've knew so I could get to know them better in the long run. And there was one song that none of the fecking things had and of course that was the one song I wanted to sing -The Water is Wide(I knew that because I had to learn it for a play a while ago). I grab a book which has Danny Boy in it and also has the Irish Rover, a good uptempo song that should be fairly easy to learn by the auditions. In the end I just type out the words and the chords of The Water is Wide and hope that that will do them. It better!
The day of the ballads arrives and I'm pretty solid on Danny Boy and I should be able to get away with the Irish Rover if I can remember which verse comes after which. And I head into the wonderful West End...at 11am!! Now as I've said, I'm well crap at singing in the morning. Only melodjeon! So this is a great start. I calm down a bit though when I walk into the the theatre and bump into two great friends of mine; Sharon Clancy and Noella Brennan a pair of the finest Yellowbellys around! They've just been in and they said it was grand. So in I go and I get a pleasant surprise straight away. The casting director is a good friend of Tessa Worsley (of 'Beauty Queen' fame) and one of the first things she says to me is;
'Well I've just been reading your reviews from York.'
A big smile started to creep across me face. Now that's a good thing! But don't worry I'm still not going to bore you with how good they were. That's a brilliant start to be honest and I do The Water is Wide and just one verse of The Irish Rover (thank god!) and while I'm not in the best of voice, its not too bad and they seem keen. The only problem is that the director is sick so there's definitely going to be callbacks and they don't tell me whether I've gotten one or not. Not to worry I still have another audition to slow air for at 3pm. My plan of action for 'The Wiremen' was Danny Boy (obviously) and The Irish Rover (I had been practicing it all day). In I go to find a guy I know waiting to go in before me. I won't name the guy because he went in to do one of the worst auditions I've ever heard in me life. I never knew he was a singer and with good reason. He murders Danny Boy to within an inch of his life and then is asked for his second song and what does he give them? The Irish Rover!!! Crap, I wanted to do that. He commits a serious war crime on that song, forgetting the words all over the shop;
'We'd an elegant craft she was rigged fore and aft,
and something that I can't reme - e - e - ember!'
Well that's going to impress them big time. Its chronic to listen to and what's more my confidence in the words of the song is shot to shit after listening to him! There's no way I'm going to sing that song now. How would I follow that! And then to rub salt into the wound he comes out of the room all smiles and says;
'Well that didn't go too bad seeing as I'm not really a singer.'
Don't give up the day job buddy! My turn next. As I wait to be called the hallway is now full of Irish fellas all humming the Derry Air and some have the words written on the back of their hands and all of them are saying how they're not singers. Well I can knock out a note and in I go to do so. The writer and director are in the room.
'Where are you from Jamie?' Quoth the writer.
'Waterford.' proudly quoth I, chest swelling.
'Well that's your problem.' Sarcastically quoth he. Come on! Witty retort! Come on!
'I know.' Quoth I.
Whaaaaaaat? Jesus that would not be one of my finer moments! But he laughs as its all a bit of a joke anyway (let him try it again though!!) and I whack into Danny Boy. And my pipes are indeed calling, the voce is in great shape by this time of the day and they certainly like it. Second song please, and it has to be Water is Wide again as I don't trust the Irish Rover any more. Its as good as the first song. They like it. I'm asked to wait outside while they have a chat. This is to see whether I'm going to be asked to stay and read, which seems pretty likely at this stage. I go outside and the boys outside waiting are all looking despondent and one them goes;
'Jesus I hope they don't expect us all to be able to sing like that.'
Sorry chaps you caught me on a good day. And I sit there for what seems to be a long while and the casting lady finally comes out. Of course I'm almost out of my seat ready to give me best Dub accent when she says;
'Thanks Jamie that's all we need to hear today, you're free to go.'
Aw Jaysus! Ah well, off to me 'Proper' job so. Crap! The irony of it all, of course, is that I get a recall for 'Seagull's Dance' the one I didn't sing so well for. Go figure.
Not to worry, I still had the recall for 'The Seagull' to get through. And get through it quite well I did. In I go to meet the usual suspects again and we whack through the couple of scenes we did before and they get me to sight read another scene. No hassle. And then they ask me to do it in RP. Ok...well that's not really a problem but of course when you're asked to do it on the hop it takes a few minutes to adjust and get it right and of course the those cringey few minutes can be deadly! But, no it seems ok. The banter is good and he seems to like my ideas about the character and I leave pretty positive to be honest. This could be a goer. When I leave the audition there's a message from the agent saying that the recall for Seagull's dance had been postponed until after Christmas. Ok, that's cool I was all Seagulled out to be honest and just wanted to chill for the last few days before I headed back to Ireland for a deadly Déise Christmas. I'm off home again.
How bad.
I guess its a given at the end of a year to be reflective about the year gone by and in all fairness it was a pretty good year. Not as madcap busy as the year before perhaps but that said the class of work and the parts I played probably went up a notch. Although at the same time in 2003 I was playing one of the leads in the Wizard of Oz and about to start rehearsals for a new West End play, as 2004 hit the road I found myself out of work with nothing on the horizon. Well there was still 'The Seagull' maybe? Or not as it turns out. I come home one day after a stroll around Red and City Square and there's a message on me phone. Alas 'tis the agent;
'Not good news Jamie. They've offered the part in the Seagull to someone else, but they were adamant that I passed on their thanks for doing such a great audition. They really liked you.'
Another 'no, but they liked you'. Me career is full of them at the moment it seems. There was a time in the past year when I was on an absolute career high. I was in my dressing room in the west end and we were rehearsing and my phone went and I was told that I had just been nominated for the Ian Charleson award. At that moment I thought 'This is it, this is my career taking off' and essentially that's why I started this little diary, to regale all with amazing tales of my meteoric rise through the acting firmament. It didn't exactly happen like that now did it? But to be honest I think the journey has been far more interesting for that. If everything went according to plan it might get boring and samey. The struggle is half the fun, I keep having to tell myself. And while there's a lot of shit in this shitty business we call show the one thing that keeps me going is the possibilities. Tomorrow your life can change and that's all so much sweeter if you've worked for it. And I'm working for it buddy. Big time.
Instant celebrity is bollox.
I'm doing it the old fashioned way.
Bring on 2005 boy!
