There are two certainties in a life in the theatre;
Rejection and Taxes.
In general all actors are self employed creatures. We are our own business, our talent is the product we sell (or perhaps pretty faces in the case of those who have no talent but still work. Hollyoaks, I'm looking at you here......) we have to register as self employed either when we leave drama school or when we get our first professional job. This means that each year we have to perform that most horrific and disgusting of deeds;
THE TAX RETURN!!!
Its not a pleasant task let me tell ya. It might be a pleasant task if all us actory types had the common sense to keep all of our accounts nicely in order in neat files and remember to keep all receipts and maybe even put them all in lovely categories week by week, month by month. What a nice and easy life it would be if all who tread the boards were to act in such a sensible way. Not a sign boy! If there are only 10% of actors working then there is only 5% of those who actually do their accounts properly each year. I hate the idea of paying taxes in the first place but for it to cause so much grief makes it all the more painful. But why? Its only tax? Ha ha, that's easy for you to say mister PAYE. When you come to November each year to find that all over your house there are random plastic bags and envelopes stuffed full of hundreds of receipts for the previous year and you know that you must sift through each bag and put those little paper bastards in order of date and then categorise them while your eyes start to bleed from squinting at the 307th blue fecking Boots receipt, then my good sir and only then will you know the trauma of the self assessment tax return.
You may think I'm being dramatic but I'm not. This happens to me each year and this year was no different. The time came before christmas when I had to sit down and spend a week putting it all together and cursing myself that I didn't keep it in better order like I should have. What made it worse was that I had a brilliant year work wise last year so I know needed to find every receipt possible to write off as much as I could to keep my tax as low as possible. Actors are jammy in a way however as there is a load of things we can write off.
See that haircut I had? I needed that to look good at an audition - Write off!!
See that DVD I bought? I needed that for research due to my blossoming film career that's about to start any day now - Write off!!
See that £60 round I bought? That was due to the fact that I was about to gatecrash the Olivier Awards 2004 and wanted to impress my friends - Write off!
And so on and so forth. Once you can make a good case that it is a reasonable business expense well then its a write off and happy days as long as you don't take the piss. And I don't. I have an accountant to do that for me. Its his job to take all the crap I give him and make sense of it as only the mutant accounting brains of accountants can and make sure that I pay the least amount of tax I can. I'm looking at a hefty bill this time though and I'm prepared. The Inland Revenue (boo!) owe me £900 (Yay!) due to me overpaying 2 years ago and I have 2 grand in the bank saved. Surely it won't come to more than that says I.
Don't count on it.
When I get back to the London after the (expensive) christmas break one of the first things I receive is a letter from jimmy accountant telling me my total earnings and expenditure for the previous tax year. Its not nice reading. I made quite a lot of money and for the life of me I cannot tell you where it went (it went on £60 rounds while I was showing off in the west end perhaps) and with me basic tax knowledge I work out from the figure in front of me that I may have to pay up to £3,500.
Oh shit.
Well the peanuts I'm on for Moby Dick won't cover that shortfall. Aw Jesus!! I now start looking around the flat for things I can sell. Maybe I'll sell meself? No cop on, ring the accountant. So I do and they just say that they can't give me a proper figure just yet because I have to sign the letter and send it back first. Alright. Whatever. It says at the end of the letter;
-If you are happy with the accounts please sign a copy and return it to us at your earliest convenience-
Happy? Are you taking the piss buddy? I'm up shit creek!! Big time. This money has to be paid by January 31st for christ sake. That's 3 weeks away! No time for saving I'm afraid!! I spend the next few days waiting to see what my fate is and working out how I can make some money to pay the difference. I still may sell myself. Its all out of my hands now anyway. Shit on me anyway for enjoying myself too much. £60 rounds? What a fool the Beamish!
Then one wet January morning I realise how basic my knowledge of tax really is. I'm on me way to rehearsals for Moby and lo and behold but the post is on the mat. I sift through all the crap and catalogues and there staring at me from the pile is a thick envelope with the accountants' name on it. This is it so. This is the one. This is worse than waiting to hear about an audition for feck sake!!! Put me out of my misery!! I crack it open and stare in wonder as a shocking figure stares back at me;
£2,031.92
Yeeeesssssss Booyy!!!! In my stupidity I had forgotten all about my tax free allowance and my capital gains write offs. I mean how could I be so silly? Actually I'm still not sure what they are to be honest but who gives a shit!? Well I skipped down the road in the happy knowledge that I wasn't about to become destitute and homeless and I thanked the gods of accountancy for delivering me from the hell of not having enough to pay me tax. And I had it all paid up by the deadline of the 31st and I made a silent promise to myself that next time I would do it right.
Next year I would be prepared and keep my accounts properly in order from week to week like a good little actor.
Oh yeah?
Some hope.
