If Carlsberg did auditions they'd go something like this.....
Moby Dick was turning out to be quite a nice little gig and we were all having a whale of a time doing it (bad pun and believe me they'll get a lot worse). But as i said it was a VERY short gig. 3 weeks rehearsals and 2 nights play? The Jitter had set in the minute I said yes to it. Crappy Jitter, I'd been getting a lot of that recently and it had shag all to do with Waterford hurling matches. Jesus Christ what do you have to do to get an audition in this town? Moby Dick had a fiendishly difficult score and the first week had consisted of the 9 men in the cast sitting around the piano with their heads buried in their music. All the solos I had were really high for me. Tight boxers were the order of the day so. I was sitting in the rehearsal room singing me heart out for the lads when suddenly something came alive in my pocket. I mean my phone of course. I did a very unprofessional thing and excused myself from the room, ostensibly to go to the toilet but really to answer the phone. Well you never know it might be me agent.
And it is:
'You have an audition on Tuesday for Peter Hall.'
Stop the lights!! THE Peter Hall? SIR Peter Hall? One of the most important directors in British theatre Peter Hall? Yer man that founded the RSC Peter Hall? That's the buachaill alright. But why would Peter Hall want to see lowly little me?
'He's doing Much Ado About Nothing with his company in Bath this summer and they want to see you for Balthazar.'
Nice one! But there's something about her tone that worries me.
'I'm not happy.'
Why the feck not?
'Its a very small part. I put you up for bigger roles and I added this one to the bottom of the list and of course this is the only one they'll see you for.'
Not to worry, this is Sir Peter Hall baby!
'You have to sing for them as well. They didn't say what type of song though.'
Well that's helpful.
No worries though, I have a few days to sort it out, it'll be grand. My preparation for the audition begins straight away. On the tea break from rehearsals of Moby Dick I peg it over to the nearest Waterstones and grab meself a copy of Much Ado (as it will now be known from here on in). I don't plump for the Penguin or Arden editions mind you, no siree, its the lovely auld Wordsworth Classic edition for £1.50 that will do me nicely. I always get the cheapy version when auditioning for a Shakespeare, so if I don't get the job I don't feel out of pocket and if I do get the job there's a warm feeling of smugness due to my frugal purchase. Who knows, some day I might have the complete works of Shakespeare in separate cheapy editions. Well that's the dream. Anyway I get back to rehearsals and spend lunchtime having a quick gander over the script and it is indeed a small part. Very, very small. Well that's not going to stop me doing the audition.
I spend the next few days looking through all of the 10 lines that the part has to say and wracking me brains to think of a song I might do. That's proving to be the thing that's keeping me awake at night. What to sing. You might say: 'C'mon for feck sake you trained as a singer and you did musical theatre at drama school surely you know a few songs you pleb.' Well its not as easy as all that. There's no point in me walking into that audition and singing 'The Hits From The Shows' that would be completely dodgy. This is Shakespeare boy. Thinking back to me own experiences of Shakespeare (doing or seeing) it generally tends to be a kind of folky, old English style they go for, but I don't know any English folk songs! I'm only starting to get alright on Irish folk songs for feck sake! Jesus! What to do? Luckily my muse was at hand. I was chatting on the tube a couple of days before my audition with me lack, the lovely Karen Evans (West End Diva extraordinaire and just finished CATS dontchaknow.), bemoaning the fact that I don't know what song to sing. She looks at me and states the fecking obvious;
'Well isn't there a song from a Shakespeare you could sing?'
OF COURSE!!! Jesus what a div! Shakespeare is full of songs and sure wasn't there a song in The Two Gentlemen of Verona? Well there was. And although I didn't sing it in the production I was in at the Open Air in 2003, I was on stage when it was sung so I knew the fucker backwards. lovely! Song sorted so! All I had to do was go in and get the job. Easier said than done of course. This was no Mickey Mouse gig. Anything that might give me the edge would be a bonus at this stage. That little anything comes the day before the audition. I'm in rehearsals and some flyers for Moby Dick have been dropped off and lo what do I espy in the indicia as I look over one of them? It turned out the composer of Moby Dick, this deadly American guy called Dick Peaslee who had done everything, used to work with Peter Hall at the National Theatre in the '70s.
Well that's good to know.
And so armed with me song, a few lines and a name to drop I set off the next morning (after extensive warm up in the shower) into the casting rooms of 'The Spotlight'. Now this place has done me alright this past year as it was here that I auditioned for The Country Wife and Lord of the Rings and got both of them. Well lets hope its an omen for things to come this morning. I get there about 10 minutes early and I'm sitting having an auld squint at the lines when I'm aware of a presence in the room. I look up and there's Sir Peter himself just after arriving. Although I'd never met him before I'd seen him at the Ian Charleson awards last year, twas him alright. And that gave me the shits even worse than I already had. Sure fuck it, its only an audition. Here comes the casting director;
'Hello Jamie, would you like to come in?'
Simple words but truly terrifying sometimes.I walk in and I'm introduced to the Knight in question and he's very pleasant indeed. Good. He's looking at my CV while the casting director compliments me on my performance in Wind in the Willows. She'd seen it last summer with her kids. Nice one! Sir Peter looks up and asks what I played in it.
'Toad' I say (trying not to sound like I'm boasting).
'That's a great role.' he replies (impressed, I think), and he looks back at the CV and continues; 'And I see you've played the Cowardly Lion as well.'
'Well I played a lot of animals last year.' and we all have a nice guffaw at me little quip.
Thank Jesus for that. It could have all gone horribly wrong. Toads are amphibians for feck sake! Luckily that slips by them and he's nodding at the rest of the credits on my CV and then he looks up and says my favourite phrase;
'And I saw you in Calico of course.'
Yeesssss! Go on ya good thing! Well I hadn't heard that from anyone in a while. I knew this was a possibility as Calico was directed by his son Edward Hall (a mighty brilliant director himself). This is going quite well and I haven't said a line or sung a lyric yet, but that's next up on the cards. He asks me about my singing and what type of voice I have and I proceed to tell him. I realise about halfway through me explanation that I'm beginning to talk shit so I suggest that I just sing something to show him and when I declare that its going to be 'Who is Sylvia?' from The Two Gentleman of Verona I can see by his face that I've picked a winner there. Was he expecting Andrew Lloyd Webber perhaps?
Not a sign!
I'm well on the ball in this one, they like it and the voice ain't too bad even at that hour of the morning and with no piano. I mention the hour and the lack of accompaniment after singing as a little joke but really its a sly way to play my trump card, I go on to say;
'But its a grand warm up because I'll be singing for the day at rehearsals after this.'
'Oh really? What are you up to at the moment?' Asketh the casting director.
'Oh its just a workshop of a musical setting of Moby Dick by the composer Dick Peaslee.' Answereth I, and Sir Peter sayeth;
'I know Dick Peaslee.'
Oh I know you do boy!
And then we have a quick banter about the Dicks, both Moby and Peaslee. I dropped the name and it hadn't bounced back and slapped me in the face. Legend! And then out of nowhere another name drop opportunity comes along when the casting director enquires as to who's going to be doing the music for Much Ado and Sir Peter says that he's going to ask 'Mick'.
'Oh is that Mick Sands?' I innocently ask, and when the answer comes back affirmative I drop the name;
'Ah sure I know Mick, he did the music for Calico. Great guy.'
Well I'm dropping names like I'm suckin' diesel at this stage. I then have to read (I nearly forgot about the lines!) and he only gets me to do it once. That can be a good thing or a bad thing of course but when I say the final line;
'And an ill singer, my lord.'
the theatrical Knight says to me with a smile;
'Well you're certainly not that. Very nice to meet you.'
And very nice to meet you too...oh......at first I think he means that I'm certainly not the part, but then I realise what he's saying is that I'm certainly not an ill singer. Jesus me nerves. But how bad? Nice man. I skipped up the road to rehearsals after that in one of those moods where I had had such a good time at the audition that I didn't really care whether I got it or not. that slight euphoria disappears very quickly though and soon enough I'm back to wanting the job so badly I'd commit murder. Big time. Well, time to wait by the phone for a week so.
Oh not at all boy!
The following morning I'm sitting in Starbucks on Charing Cross road being all sophisticated with me laptop out and a mocha that's lasted 2 hours when I hear that familiar call from me jacket pocket and the agent speaks thus;
'They've offered you Much Ado.'
And with those heavenly words over 4 months of bad luck at auditions was shattered! I was wanted again! I had gotten the gig, and a pretty fucking sweet one as well.
'But'
Aw don't do this to me.
'It is a very small part and it doesn't start rehearsals until the 16th of May. 6 weeks rehearsals in London and 6 weeks play in rep in Bath.'
Ah shite!! Whatever about the size of the part, it was only the end of January for feck sake. What am I going to do for 3 and a half months. That's a problem. And so I don't accept it straight away. I hang on for a few days while the agent gets on the phone to see what I might miss out on if I did accept it. And every casting director she speaks to tells her we would be mad to turn down the chance to work with Peter Hall and I pretty much agree with them. So we accept. And the minute its all official the worry is gone out of me head. Sure so what if I don't get anything until I start rehearsals in May. This is a gig worth waiting for. I'm well happy to be doing it and I'm walking around with a big 'I've got a job' smile on me face.
Then the agent phones to tell me what me fee will be and me smile gets bigger.
But that's my business boy.
I tell ya, I wish every audition was like that.
